


If I Could Pour My Heart Out

by Espisayer



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: A little bit of Belarus at the end, A little bit of humor at the end, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Belarus is not insane, Drabble, Fluff, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 15:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Espisayer/pseuds/Espisayer
Summary: Sometimes I can’t put names to what I’m feeling, I can’t sort them out, or I can’t handle it. It just feels better to hide them away, somewhere they can’t see the light of day. Where other people don’t have to suffer witness to them and I don’t have to face them. I’ve done this for my entire life.*Alternate name for Russia is used*





	If I Could Pour My Heart Out

~~~~_If I could pour my heart out to you…_

_I wouldn’t know where to begin. I barely know what to say to you day-to-day, even though we’ve been friends since we were children. After everything that’s happened to me, I can’t help but feel emotionally stunted. Perhaps I’ve done it to myself. But sometimes I can’t put names to what I’m feeling, I can’t sort them out, or I can’t handle it. It just feels better to hide them away, somewhere they can’t see the light of day. Where other people don’t have to suffer witness to them and I don’t have to face them. I’ve done this for my entire life._

_I think it got worse after you left. But that’s not fair to say to you, is it?_

_The point of this is to say what I’m thinking, though, so… I guess I can start there. It crushed me when you left. But you probably have no idea, I didn’t show it to you. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I cried for days on end, for months. I lied in bed and didn’t eat. Sometimes I didn’t go to school. I didn’t talk to my sisters. My father couldn’t even beat me out of my own funk._

_Speaking of which, he knew we were friends. And he knew who you were. It was a small village, so it’s not very surprising. He made it very clear to me that he wasn’t happy about it and never failed to throw in some kind of gay slur. Though at that point the extra verbal abuse didn’t bother me. I just wonder if he could tell I was gay or if it was just another insult he came up with. I’m not sure if you would find it brash or amusing that my first act of defiance against him was learning German. But I’m just rambling about myself now, aren’t I?_

_If I’m to be honest here, I can’t say I learned German only to piss my father off. I started studying it because of you. To understand you, and feel closer, somehow. I also had this silly idea in my head that I would surprise you one day and watch your reaction. I didn’t get that chance before you moved away._

_I think I do a lot of things to watch for your reaction, whether it’s on purpose or a subconscious motivation. I don’t understand you. It seems like I could blurt anything out, anything dark about my childhood and any time between now and then, and you could brush it off your shoulders. You either don’t care or you don’t think it matters anymore. I hope it’s the latter. Actually, I feel I can safely choose to believe it’s the latter because even wondering that, I know is just my self-destructive thoughts eating away at me. But if you don’t think it matters, you’re wrong. If you just don’t want to hear about it, I’m sorry. It’s a selfish thing to say something terrible just so I can see if you’ll scoff at me or try to offer me comfort._

  _I’m always plagued by conflicting thoughts and emotions, but you bring it out more than anyone else. I don’t like people prodding into my problems, but I crave your attention. So much that I find myself getting upset over the most insignificant things. But I can’t be honest with you, because the truth is too humiliating and I can’t face it. I can barely bring myself to write it here._

  _I take my insecurities out on you by being silent or spiteful and I’m sorry. You always mean well. Even if you’re a little dense sometimes, you’re sweet. Considering everything that’s happened and you still put up with me, you could be my guardian angel. I must seem ungrateful. I promise I’m not. It’s just hard to express while I’m battling myself over keeping you out of my darkest secrets and wanting to be closer to you so much that it hurts._

_You have no idea how pathetic I am for you. Being around you makes me feel like I have a debilitating medical condition. Any kind of physical contact with you makes me feel warm and jittery. I love it when you smile at me. Your smirk makes my heart race. Your eyes are beautiful. You’re beautiful. But you would hate to hear that, wouldn’t you? You have such an absurd manly pride._

  _As if I could ever say that to you. As much as I can’t deny that I have painfully strong feelings, I could never let them see the light of day. At the same time that I know I would be overcome with raging jealousy to see you with anyone else. Sometimes I wonder how many people you’ve been with. Just to torture myself. Because you couldn’t see me like that._

_Even if you reciprocated, I couldn’t be honest with you. It would be so much worse. As it is, I can barely keep myself together. Sometimes just the sound of your voice turns me on. Sometimes I just wish you would_

Aleksandr suddenly crumpled the paper, startling his sister across the table with the sudden burst of noise as his nails tore through it so hard he scratched himself. It lied under his heated face after he dropped his head on the table, and the two sat in silence for an extended period of time.

“Are you okay?” she finally asked, softly from shock.

“No,” he rasped, low and flat like the life had drained out of him. “This was a terrible idea.”

Natalia sighed with a frown―this exercise of throwing up emotions onto a piece of paper no one would ever see helped her to vent, but she supposed her brother was too bashful for it.

But she was still bold enough to ask, “Can I read it?”

“I’m burning this monstrosity.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was also a short exercise for myself to write something more emotional. I tried to build it up from sounding hesitant all the way to emotional basket case so hopefully it came across like that! (The tags by themselves might as well spell out "emotional basket case")


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